Thursday, February 23, 2006


Well, inspiration comes in strange places, and tonight was no exception. I was riding down the road with Mrs. Flounder and the song "Roxanne" came on the radio. I started thinking about what a great song that was and how great The Police were. Then I started thinking just how much Sting, or at least his music, sucks now. Then this thought came to me - Is there anything more sad than seeing greatness or potential for greatness fade away? I think not.

I have a few examples of this, starting with Sting and The Police. I saw The Police on their last tour at the Atlantic City Convention Hall in 1984. I had to camp out overnight on the boardwalk for tickets, and it was well worth it. It was my first concert, and it was truly spectacular. I was a huge fan of the band and had all of their albums (some on 8-track), and knew every song by heart. By Christmas that year, the band broke up. I was devastated.

The following year, Sting released his first solo album, "The Dream of the Blue Turtles", and it was pretty good. But it was nothing like the music that The Police produced. Now, 20 years later, I can't even listen to a Sting song without wanting to puke! How could someone completely forget what made them great in the first place?

There was a time when the most feared person on the planet was Mike Tyson. He would come into the ring wearing black trunks and shoes with a cut-out towel across his body, and within seconds, unleash hell on his opponent. I mean nobody wanted a piece of this guy. I went to the Tyson - Spinks fight in Atlantic City and missed the whole 91-second bout because I was getting a beer at the concession stand. That's what a bad-ass this guy was. Then came the rape conviction, Don King, and the ear biting. On June 11, 2005, Tyson quit boxing before the start of the seventh round in a bout against some guy named Kevin McBride. Greatness disappeared once again.

Then there was the great left-handed pitcher in my high school named BC. This kid threw fastballs better than 90 mph in high school, and was drafted by the Phillies. He decided to go to college where he couldn't get along with the coach. Then he transferred to another college where he couldn't get along with the coach. The Phillies no longer wanted him. He never played professional baseball. I think he plays in a beer softball league on summer nights in Jersey. I'm sure that I will see him next year at the 20th reunion and want to cry.

I know that there are countless other examples that I can give, but I don't want to bore you to death. Feel free to share one with me if you'd like, or comment on these.

The Sensitive Redneck

Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'." She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

Sorry folks, I've still got nothing to offer.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Random Observations...

I really have absolutely nothing to write about today on this total waste of bandwidth that I call the Delta House, so I thought I'd touch on a few things that are going on in the world.

The broadcasting world lost a legend yesterday when Curt Gowdy passed away. He traveled all over the earth to fish and hunt with movie stars and sports icons, and got paid to do it. It might be the best job of all time. Here's to you, American Sportsman!

I heard an interview with a former Christian pastor that underwent "gender reassignment" surgery and is now a "woman". He has been married to the same woman for 35 years and has three grown children. He says that the whole family supports him/her, and that he still has a love for the Bible and serves the Lord. Huh? How can you believe in an all-powerful, all-knowing God, and then tell Him that He made you wrong, that you should have been a girl and not a boy? It makes no sense to me whatsoever.

Why are Muslims so freaked out about a cartoon? Perhaps if Muslim leaders denounced the terrorist acts that are causing the stereotypes depicted in the cartoons, less people would feel compelled to mock them for it. If there were newspapers during the Crusades and Spanish Inquisition, I am sure that someone would have drawn Jesus wielding a sword or whip too.

The US and Canadian men's hockey teams are tremendously disappointing to watch. If they both make it into the medal round, I don't think that either can hope for more than a bronze. Perhaps they will bring some younger players to the games in 2010 and leave the dinosaurs at home.

In the Boston area, it is legal to drive in the breakdown lanes on the interstate during rush hour. This has got to be the most insane thing that I have ever seen in my life. Especially when someone tries to get onto an off ramp from the right lane. Just imagine the chaos.

My company gave me a new truck that is not a 4X4. My old one was a 4X4, but they said that they can not justify a 4X4 for me because most of my area is not on dirt roads. Apparently they forgot about the snowfall in New England, damn Okies!

CL&P (power company) has asked the state of Connecticut to allow them to raise their rates because too many people are buying energy efficient appliances and winterizing their homes, the result of which has lowered the demand for electricity in the state. Now I'm no economist, but I thought that lower demand with a constant supply meant lower prices, not higher.

Well, that is all for now. Hopefully something exciting will happen and I will actually have something to write about tomorrow.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Nuff Said...

Put Me In Coach!

Oh, put me in, coach - I’m ready to play today
Put me in, coach - I’m ready to play today
Look at me, I can be centerfield.

Four little words. That’s all that they are to most people. But these are four little words that I have been waiting to hear since October 7th, when the Red Sox season came to an end. Four little words which remind you that hope springs eternal.

Pitchers and catchers report.

Tomorrow is the beginning of Red Sox Spring Training 2006, the beginning of a grueling seven-month marathon that will hopefully end in a world championship. There are many new faces in Beantown this year, and there were a few defections as well, but as always, Red Sox Nation is keeping the faith.

I just love spring training. Mainly because of the “spring” part, and I know that the winter is almost over. But there is also the re-awakening part that gets to me.

Well, beat the drum and hold the phone - the sun came out today!
We’re born again, there’s new grass on the field.
A-roundin’ third, and headed for home, it’s a brown-eyed handsome man
Anyone can understand the way I feel.

It also serves as a reminder that my softball season is about to begin. I am a player coach for one of my church’s two softball teams, and we have our first game April 22nd, so I need to get my big ass in shape for playing. I considered not playing or coaching this year because I knew that I would have limited time and money with the baby coming along, but Mrs. Flounder has really encouraged me to play. (I think that she just wants to show off the baby to the other wives, but that’s cool.)

Got a beat-up glove, a homemade bat, and brand-new pair of shoes
You know I think it’s time to give this game a ride
Just to hit the ball and touch ’em all - a moment in the sun
it’s gone and you can tell that one goodbye!

I think that I will buy my son a glove today. Hey, it’s never too early to cultivate a child’s love for the great game of baseball.

***This is not a sports blog. Really, it's not!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Let The Games Begin

I know that the Olympics started on Friday night in Torino, but to me, the only sport worth watching starts today. No, not figure skating, ladies. I'm talking about men's ice hockey. Now granted, there will never be the drama of 1980's Miracle on Ice team ever again because we no longer send amateur players to compete against the big bad Russian professionals, but the sport is pure magic to watch on this level.

Today at 3pm EST, team USA takes on Latvia in game one of the preliminary round of competition. We all know that team USA is comprised mostly of NHL players, but I was surprised to find that Latvia has a few as well, like Arturs Irbe and Sandish Ozolinsh.

Four years ago, team USA made it to the Gold Medal game and lost to Canada 5-2. I was unable to watch that game because my wife and I were attending a marriage conference with our church in Newport, RI. That is why I have come to the following conclusions: Team USA will make it to the gold medal game again on 2/26. Knowing just how bad I will want to watch that game, my wife will go into labor that day.

One last comment on hockey. There is no way that Peter Forsberg should be playing in these games. He has missed so many games for the Flyers because of a groin injury that he shouldn't risk re-aggravating it by playing for Sweden. After all, the Flyers are paying him $6 million a year, and more importantly, I want my Stanley Cup parade down Broad Street dammit!

***UPDATE - End of the first period, USA 2, Latvia 1

Monday, February 13, 2006

Anybody got a plow?

Well, she hit and she hit hard and fast. When I woke up yesterday morning, there was only about 4" of snow on the ground, so I thought that we had escaped her fury. Six hours later and there was two feet of snow on the ground! Mrs. Flounder better get her ass out there and start shoveling! (Just kidding, she can take her time and get to it after she has some lunch.)

Being stuck inside, I finished all of the carpentry work in the nursery. Though I am sure that no one would confuse my work with Bob Villa's, I think that it came out pretty good. And wood putty hides a multitude of sins. All that is left is installing a ceiling fan and painting. I will pick up the rest of the furniture this weekend and my job in there will be complete. Then it's up to Mrs Flounder to decorate.

The picture above is of the gazebo in my back yard which apparently won't be used for a few more months. Truthfully, it probably won't be used much then either because the cows out back tend to stink in the summer. Oh well, it looks nice.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Mother Nature is a Douche Bag

So it's been a really mild winter this year here in Connecticut, which, considering the high cost of heating oil, has been a very welcome and unexpected surprise. Lower oil bills, lower electric bills, burning less wood pellets, less snow plowing and shoveling, all good things. Another not-so-good side effect is the "thinning of the blood". It's a phenomena where your body gets used to a certain temperature and reacts severely when that temperature changes suddenly. For example, when I was in college at Florida State and would come home to NJ at Christmas, I would freeze my ass off the first few days. Eventually my body would adjust and things would be just fine. As a rule, the longer that you are in a particular climate, the longer it takes for your body to adjust (Just wait Brooke, you'll see). Obviously none of this can be proven scientifically, but this is not a science blog, so just deal.

So imagine my surprise when I went to this morning and saw that a severe winter storm is heading my way to dump 6-12" of snow on my ass this weekend. It is sunny and will be 40 degrees here today, as it has been for the past few weeks. When I post on Monday morning, my lawn could be under a foot of snow.

So much for global warming.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

No Sleep for the Weary

I have been sleeping next to Doc Holiday for the past six nights, or at least that is what it seems like at 3am and my wife is coughing up part of her lung. Every year, around this time, she gets bronchitis. It's not usually a big deal because she just goes to the doctor, gets some antibiotics and cough syrup, and it goes away in a couple of days.

But this year is very different because she is 8 months pregnant and therefore limited in her pharmaceutical options. In fact, throughout her pregnancy, she hasn't taken as much as an aspirin or a rolaids tablet because she doesn't want to hurt the baby. Though admirable, I personally think that it is overkill, especially since I know that my mother smoked and had a few glasses of wine while she was pregnant with me. And I turned out alright (Please refrain from your smart-ass comments). Also, she is going to get an epidoral when she gives birth, so won't that effect the kid?

Anyway, we went to the OB on Tuesday and got her Zythromax and some cough medicine with codeine, the latter of which she still hasn't taken. She wanted to have it hand just in case it got that bad and she just needed to take something. So I have woken up somewhere in the middle of the night to my wife hacking and watching some infomercial or 1930's movie all this week, and now I am just beat. I may even sleep in the guest room tonight if she is still sounding like she has tuberculosis.

And you just know that as soon as she is better, I'll start getting sick. Ughhh!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

My Bionic Eye

I was living in Arlington, TX in 1998 with my new bride, and one day, I suddenly felt dizzy for no apparent reason. At first, I thought that I had a cold because that is one of the symptoms that I experience when my head is congested. I gave it a few days to clear up, but it didn't go away. My wife thought that my eyes were just getting bad, the occupational hazard of working around lasers like I do. I reluctantly made an appointment at the local Sears Eyecare Center, and went over there in the company truck to get an exam.

It was a normal exam at first, and the optician assumed that I was just getting nearsighted. As an afterthought, she put some drops in my eyes to dilate my pupils and take a closer look. So there I sat in the waiting room with this dark visor that made me look like a chubby, less redneck-like Dale Earnhardt, waiting for like 30 minutes until they were fully dilated. She called me and had a look. Right eye, no problem. She hovered over my left eye for a little longer than the right, but finally stopped examining it. Right away, she started pulling down medical journals from the bookshelves and ripping through them like Doc Brown in Back to the Future! Then she starts asking her assistant for the on-call opthamologist's number! I almost shit myself! What the hell could be so wrong that she was afraid to tell me?

When things finally settled down, she informed me that I had a severely torn retina that would require immediate surgery. She gave me a referral , and sent me on my way. The next day, I had a consult with the opthamologist, and had the 4 1/2-hour surgery the following day.

Recovery time is about seven weeks from this surgery because you have to wait for the gas bubble that they put in your eye to keep the retina in place to dissipate. And for the first three weeks, I had to sit in a massage chair with my head facing down so the air bubble could put pressure on the retina which is in the back of your eye. Having one eye sucked really bad. First, I couldn't drive at all. I kept walking into things and knocking stuff off the table because I had no depth perception whatsoever. My asshole boss at the time kept bitching at me that he needed me back at work, even though my job was splicing optical fibers which I wasn't even able to see at the time! And there were complications, so I almost developed glaucoma!

After it had finally healed, I developed a cataract, which was not uncommon for this surgery. I went to a cataract specialist whose waiting room looked like a scene out of Cocoon. They actually asked me if I was there to pick up my grandmother! Anyway, I had the surgery to remove the natural lens and implant an intraocular lens, or as I call it, my bionic eye. My vision has been great ever since, that is until the past couple of weeks.

I noticed that driving at night had become rather difficult, and that my vision in my left eye wasn't as clear as it had been. I went to my eye doctor yesterday, and he said the I had opacification of the intraocular lens, or as I refer to it, my bionic eye is cloudy. Luckily they can correct this problem with a simple laser surgery, so now I am off to yet another opthamologist for another consult. Stay tuned...

Monday, February 06, 2006

Happy Birthday Bob Marley!

I was fortunate enough to see the original Wailers band at the FSU Reservation back in 1991. They pretty much rocked.

Just Call Me Nostradamus!

First, I gave you Texas in the National Championship game (If you actually click on the link, look for my Jan 4, 7:48pm comment). Then I give you not only the Superbowl winner, but the MVP of the game 53 hours before kickoff! What’s next? I guess that you could just call me Flounder the Greek!

But enough of all this prognostication talk. All of the Superbowl talk and hype really saddens me. See, I am a New York Jets fan, and the last time that they won the Superbowl was three months before I was conceived! There have been great players and great moments in the 46-year history of this organization, but most of them happened before I was born. In short they are arguably the most difficult team in all of sports of which to be a fan. Here is why…

Our greatest player, Joe Namath, is remembered by many more for his pantyhose commercial than for his football prowess. Another star player, Mark Gastineau, has an ex-wife and daughter that are more famous today than he ever was! And let’s not talk about his crazy mistress!

The New York Jets have had two coaches in franchise history that have had career winning records with the Jets. One is Bill Parcells, who actually brought some legitimacy to the franchise. The other, Al Groh, coached only one season, then left to become the head coach for the University of Virginia. And we all know that being the head coach of a college team is better than being the head coach of a professional team, right?

The New York Jets play in New Jersey. In Giants Stadium. Huh?

Although I hate cheerleaders, the Jets do not have any. To me, that’s weird. Football and cheerleaders go together like pork chops and applesauce, and it’s wrong that they have none.

There are literally dozens of other reasons that I could list, from failed draft choices and unfortunate uniforms to bad coaching hires, but I don’t want this to turn into a sports blog. I just want you to feel my pain.

Friday, February 03, 2006

The Big Football Game

I don't want to get sued by those bastards over at the NFL, so I won't use the "S" word. Although this is an interesting matchup, I don't think that the game will be close. My prediction:

Pittsburgh 34
Seattle 13

As a bonus, I'll give you the game MVP: Hines Ward

Sorry Egan!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Do you know me?

We've all seen Mackenzie's great boobs, Brooke's ass ink, and Spy's eyes, but no one has ever seen the Flounder. Well, I have been posting steadily for over a month now, and I want to see if any of you have been paying attention. Though I have never described myself in the least, I am curious to see what you think I may look like.

Let's start with an easy one. I am:

A) a Man
B) a Woman

I am:

A) Hispanic
B) White
C) Asian
D) Black


A) have a full beard
B) am clean shaven
C) have a mustache
D) have a goatee
E) have mutton chops

My hair is:

A) blonde
B) brown
C) red
D) all gone
E) grey

I am:

A) under 5' 6"
B) between 5' 7" & 5' 10"
C) between 5' 11" & 6' 1"
D) over 6' 1"

I weigh:

A) under 175 lbs
B) between 175 lbs and 225 lbs
C) between 225 lbs & 300 lbs
D) over 300 lbs

I have:

A) a tattoo of Chief Osceola on my left bicep
B) a tattoo of Darth Vader on my right calf
C) a tattoo of my wife's name on my right bicep
D) no tattoos

Well, let's see how you do...

***Update 2/2/06

Many of you were very close, but no one got everything right (though I appreciate no one saying that I was bald). I almost had the tattoo of Chief Osceola, but I got stuck at work the day my best friend got his and wasn't able to do so.

I particularly love this picture of myself for a couple of reasons. First, it was taken in Maloney's, the bar where I met my wife that closed this past summer and was demolished in the fall. Second, because it shows how pissed off I look when I am waiting for my beer!

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