Thursday, June 29, 2006

Beer is good for you!

I got this in my e-mail yesterday and just had to share. Oh how I miss the wisdom of Cliff Clavin!

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, Â smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.


"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.


"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.


"Without question, the greatest invention in the histo ry of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.


To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.


And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buf falo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Big Freaking Papi!

David Ortiz is a stone-cold freak. Never in my lifetime have I seen someone who consistently comes through in the clutch like Big Papi, except maybe Superman himself. In back to back games this week, Ortiz had a game-winning walk-off hit to beat the Phillies, and each time, you just knew the guy was going to come through when he stepped into the batter's box.

But that isn't even the most impressive thing I've seen this week about David Ortiz. In last night's game against the Mets, he was on first base with two outs in the inning. Manny Ramirez hit a fly ball to left field, a can of corn if ever there was one. Well, the outfielder badly misplayed the ball and didn't catch it. Ortiz, who had been running hard all the way, scored from first base.

This guy is 6' 4", 245lbs and had absolutely no business scoring from first base on this play. Most guys would have been jogging, figuring that the ball would be caught for the last out of the inning. But not Big Papi. He was hustling all the way. Now THAT is impressive.

It is refreshing that players like David Ortiz are stars in the league when all you hear about in baseball these days is steroids, human growth hormones, amphetamines, and, most recently, domestic violence. He has a smile on his face whenever he isn't standing in the batter's box, and is very active in community affairs, both in Boston and the Dominican Republic.

And yes, he speaks very good English.

Finally, I hope that you are enjoying that MVP award that you won last year Alex Rodriguez. Feel free to send it to the player that truly deserved it, and go about the rest of your overrated ring-less career hitting meaningless homeruns when the Yankees are winning 9-1. In the meantime, Big Papi will continue kicking that Yankee ass! Your next big hit will be your first A-Rod!

***Edit 6/29/06 - Alex Rodriguez hit a home run in the bottom of the 12th inning to beat the Braves yesterday afternoon. So I guess that his next big hit will be his second.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Filet con Queso

Joseph Vento is a great American. He is living proof that the American dream is alive and well in South Philly.

Joe is a second-generation Sicilian-American with a ninth-grade education, a strong work ethic, uncompromising principals and a thriving business. He is the owner of Geno's Steaks in South Philly, possibly my favorite spot to eat on the planet.

He is currently a lightning-rod of controversy since he posted a little sign in his window basically saying to place your order in English. (Of course, you don't place your order in English at Geno's. It's more of a cryptic language that is only spoken in Philly, "I'll have a Provolone wit," which simply means a steak sandwich with Provolone cheese and onions. See what I mean? Cryptic)

Actually, there are three signs as you can see to the right. Two of them are regarding the language and service issue, and the other is about a cop named Daniel Faulkner that was murdered in Philly 25 years ago. If you read the story about Faulkner, you would be very surprised that any of the Hollywood elite eat at his restaurant, considering many of them support his convicted murderer.

Anyway, back to the no English, no service issue, some people have called Joe a hypocrite for posting this sign, because his grandparents did not speak English when they immigrated here in the 1920's. But I completely disagree with that opinion, mainly because it is an apples-to-oranges comparison.

You see, Joe's grandparents came to this country legally. Many of his non-English speaking patrons are here illegally. Joe's grandparents wanted to be American's and struggled to learn English. Most illegal aliens only want the rights, protections and jobs that America affords them, and they have no interest in becoming Americans or speaking English.

I support Joe Vento, and I am proud to say so.

Incidentally, Geno's has never turned anyone away that was trying to place an order, in English or otherwise.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I'm Back....

It's been an exciting couple of weeks around here, and by exciting, of course I mean exhausting. All last week, I was working on a construction project near Providence and I never really made it to the office. When I was there, it was only to check e-mail, so I missed all of my blogger buds.

This past weekend, we took a trip down to the Jersey Shore to visit my folks. Can you say, trip from hell?

First, we left later than I wanted to on Friday night. Then, when we crossed into New York, I noticed that the rear-end of the Explorer was kinda wobbly, like the lug nuts were loose or something. I pulled off the road and checked them, and both sets on the back were loose by a full turn. I jacked it up and tightened everything down and proceeded on my way.

We only got another mile or so and the wobble returned. I slowed down to about 45, and it went away. At this point, we were half-way to the shore, so I decide to limp it down there and get it looked at in the morning.

That's when we hit the traffic. One would think that traffic wouldn't be all that bad at 11:00pm on a Friday night, right? Unfortunately, that is when the DOT thought it would be a good idea to close three lanes on the upper level of the George Washington bridge. It took us an hour an a half to go seven miles. We finally made it to the shore at 3am. Uggh.

But that was only the start of the bad news. The next morning, I took the Explorer in to the dealership to get looked at. The verdict: A bent rear passenger side axle and a bad driver-side wheel bearing. Cost to repair: $906.87. Of course no parts were in stock, so they needed to order them and thought that they would come in Tuesday or Wednesday.

So I had to call my boss and tell him that I was broke down at the Jersey shore and needed a couple of days off to get the car fixed. Not even I would believe an excuse like that, but he was cool about it.

Luckily, the parts came in yesterday and they had it ready to go by 5pm, so we came back last night. On the bright side, I got to celebrate my first Father's Day with my son and my dad, so that was cool.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

The Good: I actually found my receipt and WalMart gave me a full refund.
The Bad: My sort-of-new 32" Sanyo HDTV just stopped working yesterday.
The Ugly: Truth is that I had the TV inside the fireplace in my living room. It was only there temporarily while I remodel my family room in the basement. It's been there since March 24th and we've not had any problems, until yesterday. It was raining so hard that the water actually came down the flue and shorted the TV out.

The Good: It's still freaking running!
The Bad: I saw a Chevy Chevette in the HOV lane this morning on my ride to the office. The ultimate shitbox!
The Ugly: My friend Alex had a Chevette when we were in college, and he used to tell girls that he had a Vette. He's a corporate lawyer now and can have just about any car he wants.

The Good: My contractor cancelled work this coming weekend, so I don't have to work and am free to go to NH for the BBQ contest.
The Bad: My wife is sick and will most likely have bronchitis by tomorrow.
The Ugly: I have a killer recipe for an apricot-braised pork chop that would probably have done well in competition, but I will probably sit out the contest and take care of my wife and son. Yeah, I know, You're supposed to take care of your family! Whaddya want a cookie?

The Good: I would live closer to my friends and family.
The Bad: I would live closer to my family.
The Ugly: The company may not even back-fill the position since we're been laying off people like crazy, so it is unlikely that I will be able to transfer to the New Jersey division.

The Good: I'm still alive!
The Bad: Eric Gregg died from a massive stroke this week. He was 55-years old, and overweight his entire life.
The Ugly: I will be 55 when my son is a senior in high school. I currently outweigh Eric Gregg. If I don't start making some changes now, I may not see him graduate.

The Good: I've just had a revelation.
The Bad: I may come up with some reason to not act on that revelation.
The Ugly: I know the consequences of doing nothing, but part of me doesn't care. I care about my son, but not about me.

Apathy sucks.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Baby GAP Rules!

My wife got a Baby GAP gift certificate from one of her girlfriends, and this is the outfit that she picked out. Man, fifty bucks doesn't go nearly as far as it used to!
Anyway, it's been a couple of months, so I thought that it was about time for a gratuitous photo of my beautiful little boy...
(Yes, his daddy does have a very hairy chest.)

Friday, June 02, 2006

Fired Up Friday, Part Troi

Ok, so this is going to be a weekly thing. I figure that something will inevitably piss me off at least once a week, so this is as a good time and place to bitch about it as any.

Robert Kosilek wants to have a sex change operation.

His therapist, who is treating him for gender identity disorder, says that he will commit suicide if he is unable to complete the transformation into a woman. The 57-year old man has already received psychotherapy, female hormone treatments and laser hair removal.

All of this, so far, has been at the expense of Massachusetts taxpayers.

You see, Robert, who prefers to be called "Michelle", was sentenced to life in prison without parole for murdering his wife by wrapping a wire around her neck and strangling her.

He already won his initial 2002 lawsuit where he claimed that the department of corrections was violating his civil rights and subjecting him to cruel and unusual punishment by refusing to provide treatment for his gender-identity disorder. That is why he was able to get the hormones and hair removal.

Laser hair removal? Hormone treatments? Gender reassignment surgery? Try getting your HMO to pay for those little numbers!

But some federal judge was more than happy to let hard-working, tax-paying Americans pick up the tab for a convicted murderer.

So if he wins his case and has this surgery, would he be transferred to a women's prison? And if he wins, then doesn't that just provide incentive for any transtestical that wants the surgery to commit a felony and have the state pick up the tab? Shouldn't the role of the department of corrections be to discourage crime?


**Of course, there are pictures of shim, but blogger sucks and won't let me upload them.

***In an unrelated note, I got fucked at the drive-thru again this morning. I knew it was coming when I told the girl my order and she replied with "Que?" I ordered the double croisandwich with bacon and sausage, which she initially thought was double sausage, and then I actually received ham and sausage. To make matters worse, I paid the girl at the window, she closed the window, came back almost two minutes later and asked if I needed anything else.

"Uh, yeah. How about giving me the food that I just paid you for?"


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