Thursday, August 31, 2006
We were having a really great time when Kelly spilled her beer on the bar and it ran all over Allen's lap. Instinctively, she grabbed a bar towel and started trying to soak it up, not realizing that she was massaging his unit in the process.
It was love at first grope for the two of them.
Seeing as how it was I whom had introduced them, it was only fitting that Allen asked me to be his best man in their wedding. (I also helped him propose, but that is another story altogether.)
The wedding was planned for March 1994, and it was to be the very first wedding in which I would participate. I was in school in Atlanta at the time, so I flew in a few days early to assume my "Best Man" duties.
I bought a box of good cigars, and we went to Philly for the bachelor party and had a blast. I even managed to get him to the Mansion on time, and had the little Franck-like wedding planner bring us some cold Heineys to take off the edge before the ceremony.
Finally, we were lined up in front of everyone and watching as the families entered. I was standing off his left shoulder and we were making comments back and forth about everyone walking in. His step father and mother came up the aisle and he whispered "I hate that asshole." Then one of the bridesmaids walked in and I made a comment how I'd like to butter her muffin after the reception.
It was right about this time that we both realized he was wearing a microphone. Not a loud-speaker mic, but one for the wedding video.
Well, the ceremony went off without any further incidents. At the reception, I was drinking vigorously and striking out with the hot bridesmaid, though it wasn't for lack of effort. That's when the bride's father came over and pulled me aside.
Mike, we have a problem that I need you to take care of.
Sure, what is it.
Well, my mother's nurse… Not her regular nurse, but the one that the agency sent for the night… She got really drunk and I think that she is on some medication… And, well… She stole the limo.
Huh? I thought that you said she stole the limo.
Yeah. She did. The driver just arrived and left the limo running so that it would be warm inside when the couple came out. He came inside to let us know he was here and to see when they would be ready to leave, and she jumped in the driver's seat and took off.
Ummm, that sounds like a police problem, not a Mike problem.
Well, I need you to stall them. The cops have her cornered in the parking lot and they are negotiating with her.
Uh, ok. I'll see what I can do.
I went back up to the reception and they were getting ready to leave. I sat down with them and told them how wonderful the wedding was, how honored I was to be part of their special day, asked about their honeymoon plans, blah, blah, blah…
After about 20 minutes, the father came in and told me that it was clear for the couple to leave. The limo company had sent over another car and the cops had the nurse in custody. They need to break the driver's side window and reach in and shut off the engine, but they got her out.
Allen & Kelly got in their limo and went to the hotel, blissfully unaware of the evening's events. They didn't learn of the nurse's shenanigans until they got back from their honeymoon.
I have been in five other weddings since (not including mine), including two more stints as a best man, and nothing comes close to the events of that night.
And no, I never did get together with that bridesmaid.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
I've got nothing...
So what do you do if you are flying with your mother to Turkey, the Department of Homeland Security wants to check your bags, and you have a penis pump stowed in there? Make something up, quick! Freaking genius.
My company has a ton of "motivational" artwork around our office, and I was thinking of sneaking in a few of these bad boys. What do you think?
Is it better to be blissfully ignorant or depressingly realistic? Considering that I just completed putting together the Flounder household budget, I'll say the former.
The 2006 Red Sox are officially dead. Not even Big Papi can save them now. Thank God it's football season.
And speaking of football season, here are my predictions for the 2006 seasons. The college National Championship Game will feature Florida State and Ohio State, with the Noles winning it all. In the pros, look for the Bengals and Eagles in the Super Bowl, with the birds finally winning something for the utterly-depressing city of Philadelphia.
I had a yard sale last weekend and made nearly $300. I also had a thief come and steal four little crafty stamps that my wife was selling for .50/each. I just know that it was one of those blue-hairs that were choking down unfiltered smokes and haggling with me on a $150 mirror that I was selling for $15.
I'll be out of pocket tomorrow, but I may post about the stolen limo Thursday or Friday. Stay tuned….
Friday, August 25, 2006
1. Who was your first prom date? Bobbie P., the cutest of the triplets. Her father is a man for whom I truly feel sorry. He had nine daughters; the trips, two sets of twins and two singles. Five pregnancies, nine girls, no boys.
Now I know why he was a high school football referee.
2. Who was your first roommate(s)? Brian H. He was my roommate in college. First day of classes, I'm brushing my teeth and I notice him looking at me. I said good morning, and he didn't reply, so I figured that he was pissed about me drinking his beer or something. Nope. The freak slept with HIS EYES OPEN! I don't care who you are, that's just weird.
3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink the first time you got drunk? Budweiser pounders. I was a sophomore at a Halloween party and drank every one of them and proceeded to stare a hottie all night long. Can you say "stalker"?
4. What was your first job? The same as every little boy used to have. I delivered the Atlantic City Press.
5. What was your first car? A 1979 Ford Granada.
6. When did you go to your first funeral? My grandpa passed away when I was in 6th grade. For some reason, I'm still bothered by it.
7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown? I went away to college when I was 18.8.
8. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. Tomassini. She had already had both of my sisters in her class, so she knew trouble was coming when she saw me.
9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? The Bahamas with Joey Smith. It was winter 1987 and we had cabin fever.
10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time, who was it with? My parents were pretty cool, so I never had to sneak out.
11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them? Josh T. He moved away when I was 12 and I haven't seen him since.
12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house? Room 929, Kellum Hall on the Florida State campus.
13. Who's the first person you call when you have a bad day? My wife
14. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid/groomsman? I was the best man in Allen & Kelly's wedding. Quick story, the bride's grandmother had a nurse who was a temp for her normal nurse. This woman got really wasted and, ready for this, STOLE THE LIMO. I really need to post about that some day.
15. What is the first thing you do in the morning? Take a squeej.
16. What was the first concert you ever went to? The Police, 1983 at the Atlantic City Convention center. It was their last tour before they broke up
17. First tattoo or piercing? Left ear, 1988. I got a second one there right before I left for college. Sorry, no ink.
18. First celebrity crush? Linda "Wonder Woman" Carter, of course, firmly establishing me as a boob man.
19. Age of first kiss? First real kiss was at Junior Prom, so I guess that I was 16.
20. First crush? Fifth grade, Michelle G. I almost shit my pants when she asked me to dance at the our school dance. I actually had a date with her on 3/28/92. I was late for it because I was watching this. No regrets, though.
21. First time you did drugs? Freshman year of college, I smoked pot. It really never did anything for me, so I rarely did it.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Classic My Ass!
Have you noticed how some things that start out great eventually become less than average?
And why? Because no one can ever leave "well enough" alone. We all feel the need to build a better mouse trap or reinvent the wheel, or whatever other cliché that you want to use. It's in our nature.
So what am I pissed at today?
American Movie Classics.
Do you remember about five years ago when you turned on AMC, you would find movies starring Humphrey Bogart, Marilyn Monroe, John Wayne, Clarke Gable, Gary Cooper, Katherine Hepburn, or Cary Grant? You could also find Larry, Moe, Curly, Shemp, & Curly Joe. Even Buckwheat, Spanky and all of the He Man Woman Hater's Club were there. For the most part the films were all black and white, and they were all shown with no commercial interruptions.
If you liked old movies and television, this was Valhalla.
Then something horrible happened. They reinvented the wheel.
In October, 2002, AMC changed its format from a classic movie channel to a broader-based movie network to appeal to a larger audience, including younger folks.
So now when you flip on AMC, you might see Hollywood royalty like Steve Guttenberg, Rae Dawn Chong, Jeff Goldblum, and Sharon Stone. By definition, if the name "Steven Segal" appears in your movie credits, it is not a "classic". The movie of the month is Cocoon people!
As if that weren't bad enough, they added commercials. To a cable channel!
By adding advertising to our schedule, AMC generates additional revenue that enables us to provide a broader range of movies and original programming to our viewers. AMC carries among the fewest commercials per hour of any basic cable channel.
So now, not only do I get to watch classics like Slapshot 2: Breaking the Ice, a film so great that it never graced the big screen and went straight to video, but I get to drag out its 104 minute run time over 135 minutes. That's 31 minutes of commercials if you're keeping score. (Side Note: Slap Shot, starring Paul Newman is a classic.)
All I can say is thank God for Turner Classic Movies.
Friday, August 18, 2006
- My fantasy baseball team, chicksdigthelongball, is kicking ass this year. Of course it's a free league with no prize money, but I'll still get to brag about it.
- This weekend, the evil empire is in town for 5 games, and I hope the Sox kick their overpaid, underperforming asses!
- I really need someone to take care of lawn for me. I don't have the time, equipment or inclination to do it anymore. Every time I pull a weed, 15 more pop up in its place. At least when your entire lawn is crabgrass (like mine), it looks sort of good.
- I'm really putting a lot of thought into moving, probably to Rhode Island. Why Rhode Island? That is where our church and all of our friends are, and the 45 minute commute to see them is really getting old. Now if I can only get the logistics worked out with my employer, I'll be in there like swimwear.
- What is up with this freak that claimed he killed JonBenet? Did he really do it, or did he just want a free plane ticket home from Thailand? More importantly, why do I even care about this nonsense?
- What exactly is Ned Lamont's political platform? All I know about this guy is that people love him and voted for him because he is not Joe Lieberman. "Vote for me because I am not the guy you hate!" Is that what politics have come to?
- There are only two more episodes of Entourage this season, so I guess that I will be canceling HBO on August 28th.
- My boss is here so now I need to "work". Have a great weekend!
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Long Live the King!
Yes people, Flounder is a huge Elvis fan.
Now I'll admit that he only made one half decent movie, Viva Las Vegas, but he was the man long before anyone knew what being the man meant. For example, Elvis rolled with an entourage long before Vincent Chase and Johnny Drama were even born!
But the greatest and often most forgotten performances by Elvis were his gospel recordings. I swear that his rendition of How Great Thou Art could convert Osama Bin Laden to Christianity!
So in honor of the King today, have a grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich and rock out to your favorite Elvis tune. Mine is Kentucky Rain, but I do a mean karaoke version of Burnin Love!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Flounder has left the building.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Flea Infested Friday
The origin of said infestation is those damn cats. The ones that I never, ever wanted but my wife had to have. Then, after she became pregnant, wanted nothing to do with them. I was stuck taking care of them, and truthfully, I didn't do anything more than give them water and food and change the litter.
I never really paid much attention to them, but the other day, when we got back from NJ, I noticed that one was covered with fleas. I looked down at my feet, and my socks were completely covered with fleas and they were making their way north. It was like a scene out of a bad horror movie, minus the scream.
I made my way upstairs and jumped into the shower. I took the dogs and cats to the groomer, checked into a motel, and commenced bombing. Three separate times over two days, a total of 36 foggers and the basement is still absolutely uninhabitable. The main level of the house is clear, but it is only a matter of time until those little bastards make their way up here. Hence, I called The Wolf (aka Orkin Man).
The basement, once finished and now in "transition" between demo and renovation, will be occupying all of my time this and every forseeable weekend. The cats have found a new home at the no-kill shelter. The dogs have been flea dipped and shaven down and are very happy now. Jake and Mrs Flounder are getting tired of a motel room, and will be very happy to get back into the house tonight.
So this whole thing has cost me lots of money and sleep, and it's not quite over yet. Hopefully your weekend will be better than mine. I'll report back on Monday.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
- My company, actually my industry as a whole, uses way too many acronyms for my liking. So many, in fact, that I had to buy a dictionary just to keep track of them all. It makes sense since our entire industry is based on signals transmitted by Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation, or a laser. But I still don't have to like it.
- When did it become appropriate mandatory to tip at a Dunkin Donuts? I ordered a cup of coffee which requires about 15 seconds of your time on the job to prepare and costs $2.10, and you expect me to leave you the .90 change from my three bucks? Then you give me the stink eye when I put the change in my pocket in a way that makes me never want to patronize your business again. You can't be serious.
- I'm not going to complain about the record-setting heat right now because I know that soon it will be freezing cold up here and I will be trying to figure out how to pay for oil to heat my home.
- I'm going to the Jersey Shore this weekend to visit the family and attend the Lion's Club annual fund raiser. My father runs this event every year, and my whole family attends, so it's sort of like a family reunion. With beer. Lots and lots of beer.
- The Red Sox are NEVER out of a game. Not with Big Papi around at least. That's right, the man came through again. Actually, twice this week. He is quickly becoming the Michael Jordan of the MLB.
- My dogs have fleas. I use Frontline on both of them, I have sprayed down the back yard and their bedding with chemicals that should kill all insects, but they are both covered in fleas. I have given them two baths each in flea killing shampoo this week, but they keep coming back. Does anyone have any advice on this? Their scratching is keeping us awake at night, and that has to stop. Mrs. Flounder is getting grumpy.
- I've got way too many links to blogs gone missing.
- Holy crap, the picture loaded!
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
This past Thursday morning, Joel's mom Vicky, went to the bedroom that he shared with his brother, and found her third-born child face down in his pillow. She nudged him to wake him up, then tried CPR, but he was gone.
The monitor that he wore did not sound to alert anyone of a seizure during the night, so his death is a bit of a mystery. They did an autopsy and we are all awaiting the results, but it doesn't really matter. Joel is gone now.
The tragedy here is one that nobody thinks about until it smacks them in the face. Sure, it would be difficult for any family to resume some semblance of normalcy after losing a child, even more so with this family as they have six other children. But couple that with the expense of a funeral and burial plot, and this family is in serious trouble.
The average burial costs around $10k, and face it, when you have seven children, you don't have that kind of cash laying around. Our church is doing some things to help them out, but the added stress at this time is something that no one should ever have to deal with. Even more tragic is that the funeral was yesterday, Joel's 17th birthday.
I told you that story to tell you this. As new parents, my wife and I took a look at our life insurance policies and determined that the coverage that was sufficient in 1997 when we married is grossly inadequate now. We called an agent and had him over one night to discuss our needs. We upped our coverage to take care of everything if one of us was to die, and we even did a little estate planning.
Now please don't think that I am some blue-blooded guy with deep pockets because, trust me, I'm not. But we also added a child rider to our plans for $4.56/month. I hate to even say this, but if the most horrific thing that I can think of were to happen and Jake were to die, the policy would pay $10k for funeral expenses. We wouldn't have the problem that our friend's are having right now.
To all of you parents out there reading this, always hope and pray for the best for your family, but PLEASE plan for the worst. That $60/year might save you some added grief in your darkest hour.
Now, here is a picture of my little offensive tackle. He is 4 ½ months old, stands (lays) 2', 2" tall and weighs in at 22 lbs even. I'll be taking a second job to feed him any time now.
**Well, there would be a picture if blogger didn't suck so bad!
***11:20am and I still can't post a picture.
****1:14pm, and still can't load a picture.
*****2:54pm, and blogger sucks more now than ever!
******7:54am, and, well, you know.
*******12:33pm and I tried photobucket, but that doesn't work either.
*********I had to take the picture down because it was screwing up my template.
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