Friday, January 26, 2007

Ummm... Nothing

It's two degrees here today. That would be two degrees. It is the coldest that is has been in about four years, and I think that I will need to throw another bag of pellets on the stove tonight.

I hope that you are warm, wherever you may be. Have a great weekend!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Consulting Flounder

I read an article this morning that claimed US employers will lose $800 million in productivity over the next two weeks as a result of the Super Bowl. A consulting firm came up with that figure, and they probably got paid a million bucks to do the research to back it up.

So I think that I have decided on a new career path. I want to be a corporate consultant, like The Bobs. Every day I go to work and I see money being wasted by the truckload, so I figure that I can cash in by telling them how to save some of that jack. It’s quite simple, actually.

The first thing I will concentrate on is bullshit expenditures. My company has a ton of these, and since they are my only contact with corporate America, I will assume that every company has similar issues.

This morning when I arrived at my office, I noticed that the driveway and little parking lot had been plowed by our contractor. Though that might seem like a reasonable expense, consider that we only accumulated about one inch of snow overnight. My 10-month old son could ride a Big Wheel over one inch of snow, and he can’t even walk yet!

I received some parts yesterday that I ordered for a project. All of the parts came from the same place, one of our sites out west. There were 4 different items, all of which were smaller than a loaf of bread and weighed less than a pound. They easily could have all fit in one box about the size of a microwave, but the guy that shipped them put each in its own box. And each box was the size of a basketball with tons of Styrofoam peanuts. And he sent them overnight even though I said that I didn’t need the parts until next week. This happens all the time around here. The worst part is that I could have gone to an electrical supply store and bought the parts for less than it cost to ship just one box, but company policy states that our first option is to utilize the parts already in stock, no matter where in the country they may be located.

Everyone in my office uses their company issued cell phone to make local calls when they are in the office. And yes, we do have land lines in the office. This has got to be the easiest money saver of them all.

I carry a two-way text pager in addition to my cell phone. The only pages I receive are also sent to my cell phone as a text message. And the pager doesn’t work at my house, so it does me no good when I am on call and hanging out at the homestead. And even though I have been carrying it for nearly a year now, I have never sent a message from it. It’s a complete waste of money.

We have a lawn care service that takes care of the grounds around our office. They come once a week from April until November and cut the grass. They also do some hedge trimming and mulching to make the place look good. I have no problem with this, except the grass doesn't really start growing here until around mid-May and it quits growing in early October. That is 10-12 weeks that they come to cut grass that isn't growing at all. I swear that I have seen them riding around on their Scag mowers with the blades not even engaged.

So now that the pork has been cut from the budget, tomorrow I will start looking increasing productivity. Let me give you a hint: Smokers and bloggers are not gonna like this one bit.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

10 Places

This is soooo stolen from the lovely Brookelina, but I am doing only one post. These are 5 surprising places I haven't been and 5 awesome places that I have been in my 37 years on this planet.

Places I Have Never Been
  1. A New York Jets home game. I've seen them at New England 5 times, but never at Giant's Stadium.
  2. The Statue of Liberty or Empire State Building, and I grew up less than two hours away from them.
  3. The Miss America Pageant. If you grew up in Atlantic City, it is almost heresy to have not gone to the pageant at least once. I did, however, go to a ton of their parades and yelled Shooooes to all of the contestants.
  4. I have never been in a Gap or Abercromnie & Fitch store. Last time I checked, they didn't have a husky or big-man's section.

  5. I have never been anywhere that required a passport. Some places I have been now require one, but not when I was there.

Places I Have Been

  1. Dinner with the Yankee Clipper, Joe DiMaggio. Even for a Sox fan, that was cool.

  2. Played blackjack at Caesar's in AC with Wayne Gretzky, Jim Belushi, Luc Robitaille, Al MacInnis, and Chris Chelios. Until they raised the table minimum bet to $50/hand that is.

  3. Fishing off the coast of Costa Maya in the Gulf of Mexico.
  4. To 18 Jimmy Buffett concerts in NJ, PA, GA, FL, MA, and TX.

  5. To Mardi Gras, twice.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Random Monday Thoughts

I read this morning that two of Saddam’s henchmen were hanged today, and that one of their heads was severed by the noose. I immediately thought that he must have been a fat guy, but then I looked a picture of him and discovered that, though kind of plump, he wasn’t really fat. I’m sure that if I were hanged, the rope would act like a slingshot and toss my melon into orbit like Sputnik!

We had our open house yesterday and 5 couples came by to check out the place. Our realtor was encouraging, but didn’t want us to get our hopes up. She is also showing the place tomorrow afternoon, so maybe we will have some offers soon.

Also yesterday, the stinking Patriots beat the Chargers and now advance to the AFC Championship game against the Colts. I am praying for a Colts win next week as all of my friends up here like that Pats, know I am a Jets fan, and will bust my balls mercilessly if they win another Superbowl.

If the Saints and Colts make it to the Superbowl (as I am now predicting), for which team will Archie Manning be cheering? He played for the Saints for 10 years and makes his home in LA, but his son plays for the Colts. Hmmm.

My sister finally got around to taking down her Christmas decorations this past weekend. Needless to say, I am greatly disappointed in her.

Congrats to the Big Boned BBQ team, taking home fourth-place trophies for ribs and pork shoulder at the first annual Winter Sizzler in Lincoln, NH. I was there with you guys in spirit and I’m sorry that my chili recipe killed your chances of taking home a reserve grand champion trophy and check.

I have been drinking so much coffee lately that my urine smells like the inside of a Dunkin Donuts. Hey, I have to stay awake somehow!

Does anyone really think that the American people will elect someone to the Presidency named Barack Hussein Obama? That will happen right after we get a Pope Muhammad I.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Not exactly what I planned, but...

This weekend was great and frustrating all at the same time. I didn't nearly finish all of the work that I need to do on my house, but what I did finish came out better than expected. I got virtually no sleep, but somehow I had enough energy to make it through. And the Jets lost, but I made 17 hours of overtime this past weekend and had a really great time at the game.

Oh yeah, and I met my childhood hero, Joe Klecko. This guy is 53 years old and was still the most intimidating looking guy on the field during warm ups. He seemed like a heck of a nice guy. I used to line up and try to play like he did when I was in high school, but I kinda sucked so it didn't work out so good.

Most importantly, today is a very special day, Elvis' birthday. I have always been a fan of The King because my father was a huge fan. I can remeber riding around in his not-so-environmentally-friendly 1977 Lincoln Town Car and listening to the Aloha from Hawaii 8-track. And no, my dad was not a pimp!

Anyway, I used to take this day off every year and celebrate appropriately by watching Viva Las Vegas, eating fried PB and nanner sandwiches and taking percocet until I couldn't see straight, but I can't do it this year. No, I've got plenty of percocet, but I don't want to lose the overtime by taking off.
So if you like Elvis, which do you like better: Young, good-looking Elvis or old, fat Elvis? I think you know my choice. After all, I'm a hunka hunka burning love!

Friday, January 05, 2007

Happy New Year!

OK, so I'm a little late with that salutation, but I've been wanting to post it for a few days now. I took a couple of days off this week to work on the house and take Jake to the doctor, so basically I've been slammed. In other news...

My house is officially for sale. No, not all of the work is done yet, but it will be by the end of the weekend. Well, maybe.

I am working the playoff game this weekend between the New England Patriots and my beloved New York Jets. That's right people. I will be paid to watch football once again. And one of my co-workers is bitter that he didn't get the gig, but I lined this up weeks ago when I first thought that the Jets might make the playoffs. Sorry sucker!

You can't live, work, or even visit Boston without meeting a guy named either Sully, Murph, or Fitzy. This is not a theory, it's a proven fact. I know all three.

I have been walking around lately with a case of the dumbasses. Case in point, I placed my wallet on top of the old Explorer Wednesday to strap Jake into the car seat. After he was secure, I got in the car and drove to Hartford, 50 miles from my house. We went into the doctor's office and I realized that I didn't have my wallet. That's when I remembered placing it on the roof. Thankfully, when I went back to the car after the appointment, IT WAS STILL THERE! I had wedged it in between the roof rack and the roof and somehow it didn't fall out.

I came to work today in jeans and a short sleeve t-shirt. In New England. In January. That's just not right.

Prediction time:

Jets 17
Pats 13

Eagles 31
Giants 10

Seahawks 24
Cowboys 16

Colts 38
Chiefs 34

...and remember where you got it!

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