The Delta House

It was summer 1990, and I was just finishing up a night of delivering pizzas at JoJo's. I was going to meet my latest conquest, Lynn for a beer at Robert's Place. I knew that her sister Kelly was going to be there, so I invited my buddy Allen to come with me and be my wingman.

We were having a really great time when Kelly spilled her beer on the bar and it ran all over Allen's lap. Instinctively, she grabbed a bar towel and started trying to soak it up, not realizing that she was massaging his unit in the process.

It was love at first grope for the two of them.

Seeing as how it was I whom had introduced them, it was only fitting that Allen asked me to be his best man in their wedding. (I also helped him propose, but that is another story altogether.)

The wedding was planned for March 1994, and it was to be the very first wedding in which I would participate. I was in school in Atlanta at the time, so I flew in a few days early to assume my "Best Man" duties.

I bought a box of good cigars, and we went to Philly for the bachelor party and had a blast. I even managed to get him to the Mansion on time, and had the little Franck-like wedding planner bring us some cold Heineys to take off the edge before the ceremony.

Finally, we were lined up in front of everyone and watching as the families entered. I was standing off his left shoulder and we were making comments back and forth about everyone walking in. His step father and mother came up the aisle and he whispered "I hate that asshole." Then one of the bridesmaids walked in and I made a comment how I'd like to butter her muffin after the reception.

It was right about this time that we both realized he was wearing a microphone. Not a loud-speaker mic, but one for the wedding video.

Shit.

Well, the ceremony went off without any further incidents. At the reception, I was drinking vigorously and striking out with the hot bridesmaid, though it wasn't for lack of effort. That's when the bride's father came over and pulled me aside.

Mike, we have a problem that I need you to take care of.

Sure, what is it.

Well, my mother's nurse… Not her regular nurse, but the one that the agency sent for the night… She got really drunk and I think that she is on some medication… And, well… She stole the limo.

Huh? I thought that you said she stole the limo.

Yeah. She did. The driver just arrived and left the limo running so that it would be warm inside when the couple came out. He came inside to let us know he was here and to see when they would be ready to leave, and she jumped in the driver's seat and took off.

Ummm, that sounds like a police problem, not a Mike problem.

Well, I need you to stall them. The cops have her cornered in the parking lot and they are negotiating with her.

Uh, ok. I'll see what I can do.

I went back up to the reception and they were getting ready to leave. I sat down with them and told them how wonderful the wedding was, how honored I was to be part of their special day, asked about their honeymoon plans, blah, blah, blah…

After about 20 minutes, the father came in and told me that it was clear for the couple to leave. The limo company had sent over another car and the cops had the nurse in custody. They need to break the driver's side window and reach in and shut off the engine, but they got her out.

Allen & Kelly got in their limo and went to the hotel, blissfully unaware of the evening's events. They didn't learn of the nurse's shenanigans until they got back from their honeymoon.

I have been in five other weddings since (not including mine), including two more stints as a best man, and nothing comes close to the events of that night.

And no, I never did get together with that bridesmaid.