Thursday, September 14, 2006

More Wedding Crashers

When we first received the invitation to the wedding back at the end of July, it was a no-brainer for me. We're not going.

It's was nothing against the happy couple, or the fact that we don't like going to weddings in the first place. No, it was much more simple than that. We have a baby and no sitter. Everyone that we trusted with the boy was going to be at the wedding, so that left us out.

In reality, it was kind of relief. I really couldn't afford to get my wife a new dress, get myself something to wear and get a gift. I don't own a suit and don't really want one.

(Side Note: I have this theory that as long as I don't own a suit, I can't die because there wouldn't be anything in which I could be buried. You may laugh at that, but my theory is 100% correct at the moment.)

So imagine my horror when the bride called my wife and told her that if the only reason we weren't going to attend the wedding was because of the baby, then we could bring him along.

Shit.

Total cost for clothes and gift: $300.

They had beautiful weather last Saturday morning for their outdoor ceremony. It must have been wonderful, but I wouldn't know. No, I was waiting on Mrs. Flounder to get ready, and we arrived 45 minutes late. Luckily we could tell the couple that Jake was fussy and we didn't want to disrupt their ceremony, so we elected to only go to the reception. We didn't even mention that we got pulled over on the way there, though the RI cop was cool and let us off with a warning. (Side Note: Mrs. Flounder was driving. If it was me, they would have put me under the jail.)

Now for the worst part. It was a closed bar wedding. As in, if I wanted a Bloody Mary to take away the morning angst, I wasn't getting it there. You see, the bride is our pastor's niece and everyone at the wedding was from our church. Apparently they all forgot to read John 2: 1-11, the story of Jesus turning water to wine at a wedding.

And if I ever needed a drink at a wedding, this was the one. Every wedding cliché came to fruition, including the first dance to Celebration. There was the Electric Slide, the Macarena, the Hully Gully, and the dreaded dollar dance. The bride and groom acted like they were gonna slam cake in each other's face, but didn't. The bride and her father danced to Butterfly Kisses. It was nauseating.

The only sort of cool thing was the floor show that the bride and two bridesmaids did towards the end. They danced like Michael Jackson in the Thriller video. Without a doubt, it was the first time I've ever seen a woman move like that in a wedding dress.

Regardless, I wanted out of there faster than the virgin bride and groom. That should tell you something.

Comments:
LMAO.............this was a great re-cap!!!
 
i would have brought my own booze in a flask... and maybe an ipod to tune out!
 
See...that's exactly why I'm going to elope.
 
If you ask me, it sounds like you had a wonderful time. Maybe I'm not reading this post correctly though.
 
My pal says "Chomp".
 
KJ - It was a beating of biblical proportions.

mgc - Believe me, I considered it.

Mac - Vegas baby, Vegas!

Egan - It wasn't a bod time, just an unwanted time. I knew you were messing with me about McGruff. Everybody knows that dog.
 
I'm sorry, did you say no bar? I don't think I understand. No bar?
 
I still don't get it.
 
bwhahahaha that is just about right
 
I don't really drink that much, but no bar at a wedding is a terrifying concept. Isn't that why people go to weddings, open bars?
 
I was at something similar this summer but, rather than no bar, it was no drinkers. I was one of three people who actually kept going back and grabbing something. So while I was tipsy, everyone else was very somber, sober and just not in sync with me.I think I probably shamed everyone but, fortunately, I didn;t much care.
 
Brooke - I still don't get it either.It was like going to a funeral.

Greta - At least they played a little Sinatra. I mean, what's a wedding without a little 'ol blue eyes?

Egan - There was just no excuse for it.

Bill - Drunk and apathetic! Is there any other way to be at a wedding?
 
sounds like the wedding from hell.

i already have my wedding reception planned: open bar, casual, and PARTY!!! and i'm dancing with my dad to jazz music...none of that sappy shit *gags*

wanna come?!
 
E - Is that a marriage proposal or just an early invite to the wedding?
 
Dilf's sister married into some religious cult that found the Pentacostalists too liberal.

They had no bar, either. The groom's family left because there was dancing at the reception. By dancing, I mean all the little girls holding hands in a circle and twirling around to some 70's classic. Apparently, it was too much for them to bear, because they left in a stony-faced huff. Once they left, Dilf and his brother were free to play their legs like guitars to AC/DC's "Shook Me All Night Long."

It's a good thing, too. I don't think the reception hall stocked a defibrillator.

As a side note, the bridal shower had no cake and included all the married women taking turns giving marital advice. One woman told her to "keep Jesus in their bedroom." I'm not sure what she meant but I've never heard that advice before nor since. ÜberYounger left Mr. Potatohead in our bedroom once, and it creeped me out.
 
dude, you're so there!

i demand crush navy pimp suits for all blogger invites =P
 
LMAO!! What a priceless post. Thanks for the giggle at your expense.

Hope you are having a good week.
 
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