The Delta House

My Fellow Americans

I stand before you a man with a plan. A plan to end all of the problems of not only the United States, but of the entire world. Once my plan is executed, America will once again be known as a great friend to all nations, and goodwill will abound.

This plan will affect every area of the average American's life, from transportation to social security to homeland security. It will help to decrease your taxes and will stimulate the economy, and most importantly, it will lower the price of gasoline and home heating fuel.

The answer to all of these problems lies with utilizing our illegal alien population to serve America. The potential of this workforce is truly untapped.

In Phase One of my plan, we will reach out to all 12 million illegals and offer them a way to legitimately gain US Citizenship. Each respondent will be tested for intelligence and skill and classified accordingly.

Phase Two will putting those workers in a position for which they are qualified. Those with the highest test results will be given jobs in the Department of Homeland Security. I estimate that we will employ approximately 50,000 illegals to perform cargo container inspection. Each will be equipped with radiation and explosive detectors, and drug sniffing dogs. Not a single container will enter our ports without being inspected. They will each be paid the Federal minimum wage, and will be taxed like every legal American. They will even contribute to Social Security which will help to fund that program for another 50 years.

Some skilled-labor illegals will be employed to build things, starting with a wall on the border of Mexico and the US. Some will be employed by the oil companies, and will build new and oil and ethanol refineries. Other skilled workers will work for the Federal Transportation Authority and will construct roads and bridges. And again, they will be paid the federal minimum wage.

Finally, unskilled workers will have a job too. They will be put to work in the fields of America, growing excess food that we will give to the poor and hungry of the world. Farmers will pay them minimum wage with the subsidies that the government will provide. These subsidies will replace the ones that we have been paying them for years not to grow crops.

As for those that do not respond, they will be rounded up and sent back home… the first time. If they are caught entering this country a second time, they will be sent to Iraq to assist the military with mine detection. Let's see if they can get through that desert!

In Phase Three, these workers will be granted their citizenship. There will be a 10 year waiting period total, with each working earning two years credit toward that figure for every year that they worked. So if they work for four years, they will get their citizenship in another two years. This provides them incentive to stay employed.

So there you have it. My plan will increase tax revenue, make our country safer, and feed the world. Gas prices will go down, and no Americans will lose their jobs because these are new jobs that we are creating.

Now aren't you glad you elected me?