The Delta House

I was eating a cheeseburger at McDonald’s this weekend, and I started thinking about the magical place of my youth known as McDonaldland. It's residents included my friends; the peace officer Big Mac, the milkshake-loving Grimace and his green Uncle O'Grimacey, the honorable Mayor McCheese, and, of course, Ronald. There were villains there too like the thieving Hamburglar, the freakish Fry Guys and the swashbuckling Captain Crook. Unfortunately most of these guys have inexplicably disappeared from the planet. Hmmmmm….

Ronald McDonald: Became "enlightened" by the teachings of Karl Marx and Vladimir Lenin shortly after opening their first store in Russia in 1990. Overthrew the existing government in McDonaldland, and established Communism as the new ruling power.

Grimace and Uncle O'Grimacey: Deemed a liability in the new government because fellow citizens repeatedly used their fat asses as examples of the effects of continuous dining at McDonalds in lawsuits against the regime. They were hauled off to the gulag in 1993 and haven't been heard from since.

Mayor McCheese: The first victim of Ronald McDonald's coup d'etat. He was beheaded in Filet O'Fish Square in front of dozens of McDonaldland citizens as an example of Ronald's intention to rule with an iron fist.

Big Mac: The leader of the rebellion, and most wanted man in McDonaldland, Big Mac works in the shadows to avenge the murder of his cousin, Mayor McCheese. His whereabouts are presently unknown.

Hamburglar: Was pardoned for past transgressions and surprisingly appointed a high seat in the new government. It is believed that the coup would have failed without the help of his henchmen.

Fry Guys: Defected to France in 1991 while touring as back-up singers with the Milli Vanilli because they incorrectly assumed that it would be the place to get all of the french fries that they would ever want. They run a small café on the Champs-Elysées, though no one ever knew for sure exactly how they could steal french fries without actually having arms.

Captain Crook: Was being prosecuted for treason at the time of the coup. He struck a deal with the new government and presently serves as Undersecretary of McDonaldland Royal Navy.